Life is complicated

Life is complicated. I've made a lot of complicated choices for a lot of complicated reasons, and I have a lot of complicated things to show for it.

Life has not gotten easier as I've gotten older. It has gotten more complicated. I'm more sleep-deprived. My muscles ache more. My eyes are drier. And my feelings are more difficult to reconcile.

I struggle to understand my significance in life, and my place in the world. I struggle to feel secure in my job, and safe in my home. I struggle to stay focused when I go to work, and to leave work at work when I go home.

I think this might be what anxiety looks like. My life hasn't gone the way that I expected it to, but it is difficult to argue that it's gone badly. I have a home, a partner, a job, clean air and water, and a retirement account.

But my personal life is a mess. Interpersonal relationships are challenging. Friendships are hard to hold on to. Family ties are tenuous. Many of my challenges in life I share quietly if I share them at all.

I'm several degrees removed from any kind of career I thought I'd have growing up. And quite a few bucks short of the millions I planned to have by now. I still fly coach.

But suddenly, in the throes of this year's midlife crisis, I find myself feeling at peace. I had a breakthrough this week. I realized much of my pain through the years has been relatively self-inflicted. I realized that for many of my missed opportunities, I missed them of my own accord. There were many shots I chose not to take. There were many dreams I declined to defend. There were many beliefs that I was willing to forget.

In the depth of my latest panic, I realized there is something in this mess that I can control, though it will be difficult. I can choose to defend myself. I can choose to have a dream. I can choose to want things for myself. Though I grieve for so many years I will not get back, I find myself excited for those I have yet to spend, for maybe this time around, I can spend them willingly and deliberately.

That feels like something to look forward to.